Here's some of the stuff I've written:​

 

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America’s Best Mini Golf

"Hilariously discerning in its critique" -A.A. Dowd (The A.V. Club)

• Went on a three-month, 50-state road trip to find the best mini golf course in America. Featured by:

• The Daily Mail, 9NEWS (KUSA) Denver, Imgur’s Official Blog,  theCHIVE, Uproxx.com (Article 1) (Article 2), BroBible, The A.V. Club , Lonely Planet, Golf Digest, and ShortList.

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Professor Norman’s Terrible Time Machine

• Wrote and composed a “Choose-Your-Own-Adventure” musical as my senior thesis at Princeton.

• Over three hours of material to create 24 different hour-long one-act plays depending on audience response.

 

Riffs: The Musical

• Wrote book and lyrics for an original, full-length musical for the Princeton University Players.

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The Curious Case Of The Christmas Crooks

• Created an elaborate, card-based puzzle game for the 2020 holiday season.

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The New York Times

• A Flicker Becomes a Flame (Modern Love; Tiny Love Stories)

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The New Yorker

• Bad Romance Novels (With Alex Baia)

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McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

“A masterwork in silliness” (-McSweeneys)​​​​​​

• Quoth the Baby, “Waah. Waah. Waah”

• They Say “Write What You Know,” Which Is Why I Only Write about Failed Relationships with Women Who Look Like My Mother

• So, What Are the Logistics Behind the Apocalypse Orgy?

• 4 Bible Verses That Describe The Kick-Ass Birthday Party The Apostles Were Planning For Jesus Before They Learned He Was Going To Die For Our Sins

• "The Roads Not Taken" -- A Robert Frost Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Poem​

• Mike Bloomberg Can Win This Election!

• Famous Quotes That Have Clearly Been Misattributed To Winston Churchill (With Caitlin Kunkel)

• Bumper Stickers For Tesla Owners (With Alex Baia)

• "The Only Thing We have To Fear Is Fear Itself... And Goblins" (By F.D.R.)

• Other Uses For Your Andrew Yang Beer Koozie, Now That Andrew Yang Has Suspended His Presidential Campaign

• Things I Should Talk To My Therapist About Vs. Things I Do Talk To My Therapist About

• Confusing Things For A DJ To Say (With Alex Baia)

• Famous Philosophers' Pick-Up Lines (16k shares on social media.)

• The White Claws Of Wrath

• No Son Of Mine Is Going To Be A Benthamite Utilitarian... Because This Is A John Stuart Mill Family, Dammit! 

• The 9 Best Scenes From Game of Thrones' "Battle Of Winterfell" Episode

• How To Create Your Very Own Crossword Puzzle ("Hilarious" - The New York Times Crossword Column)

• Can You Find The Hidden Images In These 15 "Magic Eye" Photos?

• Comic Book Sound Effects For The Modern Era

• Best Man's Speech For Brett's Second Wedding

• Look Out Folks... It's Horse Flu Season!

• The Critics Rave For The Man on the Dock!

• The Muellertese Falcon

• Charlie and the Tide Pod Factory

• The Montreal Cognitive Assessment: A Very Hard Brain Test For Very Stable Geniuses

• For the Love of God, Someone Please Complete This Crossword Puzzle!

• [REDACTED]

• Sadly I Will Be Unable To Attend Your Lavish, Opulent Dinner Party As It Is Clearly An Elaborate Scheme To Murder Me 

• Joel Osteen and the Ark - (11k shares on social media.)

• If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You Are Waaaay Too Close!

• Incerdlibe! Humnas Are Srmat Engouh to Raed Tihs, but Apapnerlty Tehy Stlil Arne't Srmat Eonguh to WATCH MY ONE-MAN SHOW!

• I Went to Dave’s Crab Cabin and All I Got Was This Really Long T-Shirt

• Libertarian Goldilocks

• Merry Christmas, Larry!

• Donald Trump Signs The Declaration of Independence

• I Hope These Messages In Bottles Are Found In The Same Order That They Were Written

• The Covfefe Code - (16k shares on social media.)

• Sorry This Note Is Written With Cut Out Magazine Letters, But I Have Your Daughter

• Is It Bad The Trump Administration’s Relationship With Russia Is As Convoluted As The Plot Of Love Actually?

• Our Top-Secret Army BASE Uses Too Many ACRONYMS

• Introducing The Incredible Flip-Flopper!

• Little Red Riding Hood And The Big, Bad First Date Where The Guy Looked Nothing Like His Pictures On Tinder

• Trump's First Year: The Word Search (with James Finster)

• Fast And The Furious Movies That Have a Higher Approval Rating Than President Trump (with James Finster)

• Trump’s First 100 Days: The Word Search (with James Finster)

• A Satirist’s Cheat Sheet to This Year’s Most-Anticipated Blockbusters (with James Finster)

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Slackjaw

• Hey Gen Xers, If You Really Wanted Millennials To Get Jobs, Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Spent Ten Years Making Us Do Cup Stacking!

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New York Magazine (Vulture)

• Hear Me! I Have Created The World’s Very First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards Shall Now Quake Beneath My Boot 

• Congratulations, You Have Been Invited To Hawktoberfest

• Dear Marvel, Why Have You Financed Spider-Man and Ant-Man, But Not My Own Insect-Hero Film The Fantastic Franz Kafka’s Cockroach-Man? (Due to the cruel, inexorable ravages of time, images from this article no longer load on Vulture. Here is a PDF for those interested.)

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Princeton Alumni Weekly

• Golf Carts, Reunions, and Us... Where Did Our Beloved Golf Carts Come From, And How Did They Get Here?

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Mic.com

• Carly Rae Jepsen Is A One-Hit Wonder, But Deserves To Be More

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Funny or Die

• Photoshop Your Way to Happiness!

• Flavortown Is Real And One Day I Will Find It Again (By Guy Fieri)

• The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jekyll

• Ho, Ho, Hell Yeah! 23 Sick-as-Hell Reindeer That Kick Blitzen's Ass

• Tales of Terror From... The Coffee Shop That Didn't Provide Enough Plugs (With Jane Campbell)

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Weekly Humorist​

• Dear Dad From Bluey, Happy Father’s Day – Thank You For Raising Me

• In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

• The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

• Weekly Humorist’s Top 10 List Of The Top 10 ‘Top 10 Lists’ Of The 2010’s

• If Mayor Pete Wants My Vote, He Needs To Dig Way Deeper Into Panic! At The Disco’s Discography Than “High Hopes”

• Other Movies We Should Also Add James Dean Into, Now That This Is Something That We, As A Society, Do Apparently

• No Son Of Mine Is Going To Have Premarital Sex In My House. No, He’ll Have It In The Garage… That’s Where The Magic Happens!

• Sure, Email Is Great. But Nothing Beats The Feeling Of Getting A Handcrafted Ransom Note In The Mail (Upcoming)

• I Am Become Pumpkin Spice Latte, Destroyer Of Worlds (A Modern-Day Bhagavad Gita)

• Dr. Frankenstein And The Terrifying Trailer For The Film Version Of Cats

• Depressing Listicles

• Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV... No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry​

• When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

• Know What Would Make Times Square Even Better? If It Was Way Too Crowded, It Was Midnight In December, And Ryan Seacrest Was There The Whole Time!

• This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

• Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

• Look. We All Had Fun Laughing About Toad From Mario Kart. Now Can We Get Back To Talking About How Rainbow Road Is Total Bullshit?

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Little Old Lady Comedy​

• The Tell-Tale Jellicle Cat

• Introducing 'Blue-Collar LaCroix'--The Only Naturally-Flavored, Carbonated Seltzer Water For Real Americans

• In Our Divided Era, There Are Many Americas… “Rural” America, “Urban” America, And “Shadow-Land” America​

• Uh-Oh: Did I Intentionally Make The Headline Of This Article Really, Really, Really Long So That When I Added It Into My Writing Portfolio, It Would Take Up More Physical Space On The Page, Making It (At First Glance) Appear As Though I've Published Way, Waaaay, Waaaaaaaaaaaaay More Articles Than I Actually Have?

• As A Liberal, I Oppose The Death Penalty; But As A Comedian, I Support It, But Only In Cases Where It Would End Up Being Super Funny

• "No SON OF MINE Is Going To Blindly Conform To The Limiting Gender Stereotypes Of Conventional Masculinity" 

• I'm A Born-Again Believer It's Not Butter

• Frank Sinatra Songs Answered

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Points In Case

• Musicals That Probably Would Not Be Popular in New York City

• The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jekyll (Best of 2023 article selection)

• Terrible Game Shows That, for the Love of God, Should Never Be Created​

• Medically Speaking, Loneliness Is Just as Deadly as Smoking... So Yeah, You Could Say That I Like to Live on the Wild Side, Baby!

• Sure Anti-Vaxxers Are Bad... But Have You Met My Aunty Vaxxers?

• Can You Escape The Footnotes of This Article?

• I Draw Him Naked First, To Preserve His Purity (By Dilbert Creator, Scott Adams)

• Statistically Speaking, Most Accidents Happen In The Home… My Home

• Sorry Conservatives, Just Because I Was Raised By Two Moms Doesn’t Mean I’m Messed Up; I’m Messed Up Because My Moms Were Wolves

• I Am Become Kiss Cam Operator, The Destroyer Of Worlds

• The Pros And Cons Of Allowing Horses To Become Doctors

• “Meet Cute” Moments Ruined By Ghosts

• Short But Spooktacular: 13 Terrifying Six-Word Stories That All Begin With The Phrase “The Scarecrow Was In The”

• Help! I’m Trying To Find A Dubstep Version Of The Musical Wicked, But Every Time I Google “Wicked Dubstep I Just Get Really Badass Dubstep

• I Don’t Know Much About Media Manipulation, All I Know Is That Donald Trump’s Cameo In Home Alone 2 Is So Freakin’ Funny!

• If Oprah and Kanye are Running for President, Then Adam Duritz, Lead Singer of the Counting Crows, Should Run Too (by Adam Duritz)

• God Closes So Many Doors Because He Enjoys Watching People Crawl Out Of Windows

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The Big Jewel

• If We Let The Ice Caps Melt, How Will We Explain The Plot Of Happy Feet Two To Our Children? 

• Unfortunately We Will Be Unable To Publish Your Crossword Puzzle: "The One Thing I'm Afraid Of"

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Robot Butt​​

• Dear Mr. Joker, Regretfully We Will Be Unable to Publish Your Comedy Article Submission ‘Must Kill the Batman’​

• There's Never A "Right Time" To Have A Child... Unless, Of Course, It's During 'Childmas', The Year-Long Festival Of Fertility!

• To Show My Support for Universal Healthcare, I Will Be Chaining Myself to This Majestic Sequoia and Will Be Donating $50 to Oxfam Every Day Until Tibet Is Free

• Growing Up, There Was Only One Thing Worse Than Not Getting Straight A's On My Report Card... Child Stranglers

• I'm Sorry, But Am I The Only One Still Making Sure The Canary Is Alive? (By A Coal Miner)

• My Wife and I Never Go to Bed Angry at Each Other, But We Always Go to Bed Angry at God for Cursing Us With the Burden of Existence​

• This ‘Tripledemic’ Could Not Have Come at a Worse Time During the Struggle to Overcome My Oedipus Complex

• My Wife and I Are Staying in Our Loveless Marriage Until the Kids From ‘Stranger Things’ Go to College​

• “We Will Give You One Night With Alex, No Questions Asked, If You Just Stop Winning” (By The Producers
  Of Jeopardy!) 

• Funniest Mascot Ever! 6 Times The Chicago Bulls's Mascot, Benny the Bull, Pranked Me by Seriously Fucking Up My Credit Score

• We’re Sorry Sir, But ‘Finger Lickin’ Good’ Refers to Your Fingers Specifically – Not All Fingers in General​ (10th most-read article of 2019)

• Why Are We So Worried About the Robot Uprising When We Treat Our Baristas Way, Waaaay Worse Than Any Robot?

• I’m the Guy Your Mom Warned You About… If Your Mom Warned You About Guys Who LOVE Solving Riddles!​ (7th most-read article of 2019)

• I Used To Be The Proud Father Of An Honor Student Until I Remembered That Pride Is A Sin In The Bible 

• Nanny McPhee Is The Citizen Kane Of Nanny Movies

• ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ Is a Relic From a Different Era… An Era When It Was Actually Cold Outside

• Are Our ‘Are Our Video Games Too Violent for Our Children?’ Op-Ed Pieces Too Violent… for Our 
  Children?

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The Princeton Tiger

(Managing Editor, Managing Design Editor)

• America’s Sexiest Currently Tenured Ivy League Presidents

• I’m A Rocket Man

• Newly Discovered Planet Can Support Life But Not Hip Hop; And What Kind Of A Life Is That?

• Characters We’d Like To See In The New Star Wars Movie (with Connor Stonesifer and Max Gollin)

• Girl Kiss Academy Strategy Guide

• Songs The Beach Boys Would Have Sung If They Were A Christian Rock Group

• Valentine’s Day Texts From Chad

• Outdoor Action: Tips And Tricks

• Moral Dilemmas

 

The Princeton Triangle Club

(Writer, Lyricist, Composer, Actor, Milton Lyon Award for Outstanding Writing)

• “Smalltown USA” (lyrics)

• “Welcome to the Island” (lyrics)

• “Girls Who Play the Ukulele” (music & lyrics)

• “Music of the Sea” (lyrics & Poseidon)

• “Justice is Coming” (lyrics with Jake Robertson)

• “Welcome to the Triangle Show” (lyrics)

• “We Call the Shots” (actor)

• “Eisgruber is Everywhere” (lyrics)

• Too Many Books (Will Spoil The Broth) (writer)

• “The Trouble With Time Travel” (music & lyrics)

• “Reunion in the Sky” (lyrics)

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Playdate Sketch Comedy

(Writer, Actor, Music Director, Rehearsal Pianist, Founding Member)

• Dr. Gary Sanders, the World’s Worst Doctor (actor & writer)

• “Finale (or We Have All…)” (pianist & writer with Jake Robertson)

• Shout! (actor)

• Guy Fieri Hair (actor)

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The Nassau Weekly

• Nine Hours In McCosh 50

• Toilet Paper Tragedy

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Curb Couch​

• CASTING CALL: UNPAID ACTORS NEEDED FOR NEW, AVANT-GARDE THEATER AT CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN

• The President Cannot Be Charged With Obstructing Justice… Unless The President Is Richard Nixon Or Bill Clinton. But They Don’t Count.

• Regular Postcards That Only Look Sinister Because They Use A Ransom Note Font (with Connor Stonesifer)

• At This Point, It Would Be Very, Very Insensitive To Discuss The Cause Of The Godzilla Currently Attacking Our City​

• Spider-Man But the Only Power He Got Was More Legs

• What Does Your Favorite Quote From Dan Brown’s Inferno Say About You?

• White House of Leaves

• Scared of the White House? Take Your Mind Off Of Politics With These Comparatively Light-Hearted Quotes From Stephen King’s ‘IT’

• As Twitter’s CEO, I Refuse To Censor Wormtongue From Lord Of The Rings; His Words May Poison The Mind And Bedevil The Senses, But They’re Newsworthy. Which Makes It OK.

• Rejected Friends Episodes

• Ways The Drifter Who Lives Outside My Apartment Is Just Like Harry Potter

• Marley & Me (And A Hooker)

• Dead Spicers Society

• If I Was A Guest In Westworld I’d Probably Be One Of The Ones Who Has Sex With All The Robots

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